Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Doubting Thomas

I realize it's not polite to talk about money, but it's my blog and I'm going to get this crap off my chest. If you're offended by this, then maybe you're too easily offended.

So I'm experiencing my first round of doubts about this whole adoption thing. I mean, I know in my heart and with every ounce of my being that we are doing what God has called us to do, but I am still doubting. Mostly because of the financial side of things, I think. Here's the skinny: we are getting roughly $3,000 back from taxes. That's quite a chunk of change for us. We're still renting our house in Virginia out to our good friends (love you Deb and Adam) and that has been a huge blessing for us. Now God is blessing them with the opportunity to move home to North Carolina this summer, which is where they want to settle down! I really couldn't be happier for them, they deserve every blessing and reward that God pours out on them. Anyway, we have to decide what to do with our house. I really do believe that God is going to use this situation for His glory, but it's really scary to not know what's going to happen. Our lease in this house is up in May, but we may have the chance to extend on a month by month deal. We would love that, because the house is only $950 a month, and where else can you get a deal like that?! Also, there is a possibility that another couple may move into our house right after Deb and Adam move, but they are still working out the particulars of their move from San Diego. If that falls through, we're going to go ahead and put our house on the market. I'm just scared that our monthly rent is going to go up, and that we're going to be stuck with a mortgage payment of $1250 as well.

Also, the big money is starting to be due for adoption. Here's the cost breakdown:
$50.00 Pre Application Fee
$500.00 Formal Application Fee
$100.00 For Training Day and Orientation
$1500.00 Home study Fee (Due when the paperwork is sent in)
$3500.00 Due when you are approved for adoption (a week or so after the actual home study is complete)
$15,850.00 at the time of the baby's birth.

We do have enough to meet up to the $3500.00 with our tax return. More than enough, actually (thank you, Jesus, for your provision) but I am still a little bit anxious about the whole housing/money situation.

Anyway, I was doing the dishes and going down the path of worrying about where the money is going to come from, how nice it would be to pay off the truck early with our tax return and start saving for another car, and before I knew it I was thinking "Why are we even bothering? We have a biological child. Yes, I would love to adopt more than anything, but it would be so much easier to just get knocked up again and not have to worry about a roof over our heads. Maybe we should just do that." I am surprised at how quickly the POTENTIAL problem of our finances makes me question the path that God has placed us on. I really do think the 'easy' way (I say that COMPLETELY sarcastically...pregnancy was horrible for me) of just getting pregnant is not an option for us. God has so clearly set us on this path, provided the money when we didn't think there would be enough, given us a home when we worried about where to live (twice, once in Virginia and here), and even helped us bless friends when they needed a home in Virginia, too! It's such a paradox-logically I think that things would be easier financially if we forgo adoption and save our money, but on the other hand, logically also, God is so big, and has provided thus far. Can I really doubt that he's going to provide again? Is he really going to give us another child and take away a place for us to live? I doubt it. It's just hard to get up the gusto to tighten our belts and just trust. I don't even have to do anything. I can just wait on Him to take care of it. Yet, me in my "type A"-ness would really rather DO something. It's not in my nature to wait and trust without worrying. I think, though, after reading Yancey's chapter on Job in The Bible Jesus Read, I am convinced that God cares more about our faith than he does about our present comfort and happiness. He would rather my faith grow by facing these trials (that's all I have to do-face them trusting Him to take care of it, amazing!) than just let me stay comfortable in my cold house with the pretty view.

So here I sit. Staring at the words on the page of the Bethany Fee Schedule. I know, in my heart and truthfully, in my head too, that we are supposed to be where we are. Pinching every penny. Cutting every coupon. And I know, too, that the Lord is going to work in a mighty way. Maybe he'll even bless other people through our house again. That would be so cool. I don't know what the housing situation will look like come May or June, but I have to rest in the promise that he will help us overcome the near impossibility of our situation. After all, Jesus cares dearly for the orphans, and we are following his leading in this adoption.

So, if you talk to me in the near future and I seem preoccupied, I won't be upset if you tell me to chillax. I probably will need to hear it several times. I covet your prayers, for us, our housing situation, our marriage (things get a little more stressful when finances are tight), Tate, Sam, Sam's birthmom, Stephen in Hawaii, and Guatemala. I know it's a long list, but you're tough. You're up for it.

Praying for you too,


uncpdeb said...

oh sweetie...I will be praying for yall. I know things seem so unsettling right now not knowing 2008. I am right along with you. I have no idea how we're going to buy a house and get moved and what is going to happen with Momma (more news on her later when I get it). I will ask around and see if anyone here would like to buy/rent this house. We ask people all the time and EVERYONE loves this house when they come over. I will keep you lifted up to our Father and I am confident, also, that yall are doing what God has planned for you right now....just keep pressing're going to radically change the life of a child/mother.