Sunday, May 4, 2008

Birthing and stuff

Yesterday was one of the most emotionally draining days I've had in a really long time. I got a call from my dear friend, Gayle, that her friend is in the hospital in labor, and no one is there with her. Without going into detail, the baby daddy isn't in the picture, her mom lives in Idaho and she had very little support. Gayle asked me to come and take pictures because she really wanted them. I was unsure about going because I don't know her, I'm completely and totally baby crazy, and I didn't want to get in the way. I prayed about it and felt like I should go, so I did.

I got there when she was about an hour away from pushing. It was a really good thing I was there. Gayle and I ended up coaching her through the birthing process (holding her legs, counting during contractions, etc). Her dad and his girlfriend did show up, and did a friend of hers, so she wasn't alone. Plus, she had Gayle (aka Superwoman) to help. Anyway, I was able to pray for baby Braylen and his mom before he entered the world, and I felt like that was my purpose, to introduce Jesus into his life and pray over him before and as he was born. The cord was wrapped around Braylen's neck, so the first 15 minutes of his life were very touch and go, but he more than made up for it with his crying afterward :) He was 6lbs, 10 oz and 18 inches long. I am glad that I had this opportunity to serve and share Christ's love with someone else.

As I got in the car I just cried. I want a baby so badly. It almost hurt to hold him. I know you're probably thinking either "stop being greedy, at least you already have one" or "then why don't you and Mark just try to have one?" I really believe that if Mark and I were to try to get pregnant it would be a sin right now. We wouldn't be trusting that God has a baby out there for us, that adoption is really the road we are supposed to be on. It would be telling God that his way for our family isn't the best, so we'll just take it from here. So, I sit here and trust that God has a baby picked out for our family, hoping that we get to meet him/her soon. I really do trust, it's just so hard to wait and not know. If I were to know that we'd be picked the 5th of July 2010, it would be frustrating, but at least we would know and could occupy ourselves until that time. But, that's not the reality of it, and, in truth, some of the fun is not knowing...having it be a big surprise (I love surprises). It's still hard, though, not to question everything. Is adoption really what God wants for our family? Because financially it would be easier to just get pregnant again. But, I really, honestly feel that we are supposed to be adopting. We could have a dozen kids biologically, and there would still be a hole in my heart because I believe we are being called to adopt. So, I wait and hope and trust. And wait and hope and trust. Thanks for waiting and hoping and trusting with me. When I get discouraged it's nice to know that you all are praying for our family. Your friendship means so much to me.


P.S. While I was gone yesterday, Mark taught Tate to say "I love Mommy!" It was the perfect thing to come home to afterwards. Thanks, love, you're the best!


Mom Stearns said...

Jenni, as I read the Sunday 5/4 post I was swept back 29 years and holding Mark in my arms.

You know his story and I know I've told you mine, but I honestly believe that your struggles now are a sacred growing time for you and Mark. Mike & I both have shared that the tumultuous first year of Mark's life was one of the best in our lives; not because he was so sick and because we never knew if he would be a living part of our family for long, but because it brought both of us closer to God, it fired our foundation to one that is much stronger and resilient, and it shaped our faith...not because he grew up to be such a fine man, but because we both felt God's presence and hand in Mark's life. We witnessed God's faithfulness, grace, care and love.

Our prayers are with you always.

Much love,
--Mom Stearns