Thursday, May 15, 2008

So annoyed with myself

Have you ever had one of those days that is so difficult that at the end of the day, something happens that normally wouldn't bother you, but it seems like such a huge deal at the time?

That was me yesterday. Tate is teething some back molars, and it's a bear. The poor kid is just miserable, even with Motrin, and he's sleeping a lot more than normal. Plus, his eczema is breaking out, so we're in full on conquer mode with that. Anyway, I should have known better when he woke up before 7 yesterday crying. Tate only wakes up crying if he's not ready to get up, or if he's not feeling well. I tried to get him to to back to sleep, but he wasn't having it. So I got breakfast ready for him, which he ate, and then he threw himself on the floor crying. I gave him the Motrin, and he just cuddled with me and went back to sleep (this was by 8:00). I did a devotion, cleaned the kitchen, did my emailing, and decided to take a nap, too. Usually when he wakes up is one of my favorite times of day because he's so happy, we read stories and play's really a blast. It just takes it out of me when he wakes up grumpy.

Anyway, various things happened throughout the day, and by 3:00 I was very, very discouraged. Then Mark calls and tells me there was a meeting yesterday with a birthmom and she chose another family. (For the record, we don't even know if our profile was shown because she may not have wanted there to be an older child). I was so upset! I didn't cry, but I was deeply affected by the news. The same call said that we're down to the last three for another birthmom, so that was good news, but I could only focus on what was "lost". I'm so annoyed with myself! They weren't even our babies...they (it was twins) never were! If I really truly believe that God is ordaining this (and I do) then why do I get so worked up over this? It wasn't failure, and I can't even imagine having three kids under two. It would require a new vehicle (we only have our truck, and it will fit two car seats but not three), and various other things. I'm just irritated with myself because instead of trusting and being joyful that we are one step closer to Sam, I was mourning the loss of babies that were NEVER MINE! I hate that about myself. I really, truly am happy for the family that was chosen, but it wasn't my first instinct. My first instinct that I embraced and ran with was to be discouraged that it wasn't us. Anyway, all this to say that I truly feel the need for a Savior who gives grace and mercy. And, I really, truly am totally thrilled for the couple that got the call yesterday that their wait is over. I find true joy in knowing that their family is being expanded, and God is in charge of it all. And, I know that it's all in God's timing, and he's in control but sometimes it's just hard for my head to tell my heart to buck up.

So, enough rambling for today. I guess we'll hear in a few days if we were chosen for this next round. I have no premonition about this one. I am just going to wait and pray for a better reaction this time. I have no control over what happens (thank God), I can only control my attitude and my actions. Please pray that I am better able to do that, will you?