Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Seven Stages

So, we're officially going through the seven stages of grief.

It sucks.

This weekend was especially hard. Monday was the day we were supposed to bring Elliana home, and begin our new life together! Instead, there was no baby, no nap for Tate, and Mark had to work until almost seven. Luckily for me, my best bud Missy and her boyfriend Todd came over in the afternoon and kept me company.

Yesterday my mom came over and helped me clean and organize what would have been the baby's room. It was hard to put the clothes and stuff away into boxes, but it needed to happen. I feel a lot better about it this morning.

I think one of the hardest things is the guilt we feel. Did we do something wrong to make the birthmom change her mind? Are we too weird, or too lazy or too...I don't know. I just hate to think that she chose to parent because she didn't want us to raise the baby. I know that it's not true, she just couldn't give up the baby, but sometimes I wonder.

I've also been struggling with anger. How can a loving God deny this child a chance to grow up in a house that is centered around him, and possibly risk the chance of this little being not knowing him? I know that my anger is misplaced, however, and that God is perfect, and I don't have to understand. I just want to feel angry, and it's hard to be angry at the birthmom because she's so young. I feel more sorry for her than anything.

All in all, I do see the Lord's hand on this entire situation. This child will always be in our hearts and prayers, and it's an incredibly loving God to ordain an entire family to pray for a single child for her entire life. She will always be protected and covered by our prayers. I can see how a loving God would orchestrate that. I can also see his love for another couple, though I can't share it with them. They have become good friends of ours throughout this process, and they were the number two choice of the birthmom. It was so hard to tell them that we had been chosen, when they are aching for a baby. However, with the outcome being what it is, I am so grateful that it was us and not them who are going through this. To be able to shield them from the pain we are feeling is such a great gift.

We are slowly moving on with our lives. We haven't heard an update on the birthmom or the baby. We do know she was supposed to deliver last Thursday and as of Sunday there was no baby. I am relieved about this because her counselor was out of town last week for a business trip, and wouldn't have been able to make it for the birth. This week she's around, so I know that when the baby is born there will be at least one person there not sugarcoating things and telling BMom only what she wants to hear. This is good closure for me knowing that some reason will be spoken.

Well, I've mind dumped enough for this morning. I must go and finish feeding my blessed offspring. He was up at about 6 this morning, so it may be a looooooooong day...we'll see.

Have a wonderful day!


Mom Stearns said...

Jenni & Mark,
Reflecting on your post today I find myself again back nearly 30 years ago and listening to the Dr. explain Mark's problems and that the only treatment was time. Little did we know then that God was preparing our little family of 5 for what would happen 26 years later and today.

What I learned is that I can trust God no matter what; it is OK to cry; God is faithful and loving and was there then and is here now. We pray for your family regularly as well as the birthmom & baby.

God is in control.

Alibear said...

Going through the stages will help you to heal and better understand. Your faith is strong and although you're questioning, you know He is good. You've found the silver linings and unfortunately this is one of those where you just have to lean on family and friends for their love and support and eventually the healing will happen as time passes.

She is definitely a lucky girl to have your family praying for her for the rest of her life.

Debbie Susee said...

I'v been trying to decide what will be the best and most helpful thing for you to hear right now. Not sure there is anything to be said that will help.
Just know that she didn't choose to parent because of some fault she found in you. The truth is that we are selfish humans and I can't even begin to put myself in her situation. I'm guessing she loves you as much as you love her and that she feels a great deal of guilt. Please continue to be who you are and know that God will choose a baby for you just as you are. And when he/she comes the fit in your family will be perfect.
I can tell you from experience that God knows what he's doing in these (and all) situations.
We just visited Hayden's birhmother and siblings last week while we were up in Washington and had the best visit. This has been a learning process for us and we've had to wade through some discomfort and insecurities. When you choose to put God and others first, He works out the details. He took what could have been an awkward situation and made it a perfectly normal, and loving situation.
He will bless you in His time. Lean on that!
Debbie Susee