Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Some thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately about our daughter, the one we will never hold. I was reflecting on the the time from the end of May when we were chosen, though July when we found out that plans had changed. Being who I am, I tend to focus on why this happened and sometimes wonder why God didn't change the outcome of this situation. I can point out a lot of reasons why our home environment is better suited for children, but focusing on that is futile.

So, in the wanderings of my mind I started to think how God was preparing us for what would happen. First off, as I've stated before, we were chosen instead of our friends who don't have a child yet. I am so glad that we were able to shield them from the pain of losing another child. They have been through so much already, and another loss on top of their circumstances would have been so difficult.

Also, the week before the adoption fell through, two different women approached me about adopting. Each one knew a woman that was pregnant and looking to make an adoption plan. For a bit of background, Mark and I have always wanted a bi-racial family. I love Spanish, I love the Latino culture and language, but mostly I love the people. When we were engaged and going through counseling, we both felt that we would have four children, two biological and two adopted, presumably from Central or South America. We don't want to have just one non-Caucasian child because we don't think that it's fair to that child to be singled out in the family (not by us, but undoubtedly there would be stares and questions) so we were praying about different adoption plans for the future, and decided to adopt two children internationally later on. This is important because both of the babies we were asked about are going to be biracial. I really felt like God was calling me back to his original plan for us, the passion that he has put into our hearts for Central and South America. Because we were already in the process of adopting Elliana, we put the ladies in touch with our friends mentioned above. The situations didn't end up working out for various reasons, but I feel God paving the way for the desires of our hearts.

Another 'God incidence' was the timing of a friend sharing a book called The Shack with me. The book was an incredible way for me to understand God better, and how to deal with "Great Sadness". My friend, Jane, gave me the book about a week before the adoption fell through, and I praise God that she was so bold in giving it to me. It was a divine appointment, that's for sure.

God has been with us throughout this whole process, especially when things fell apart. I believe Elliana was supposed to be ours, because if she wasn't then there was another baby out there. Our prayers for the birth mom were heard and answered, and this pregnancy is a result of a change in plans. Nothing is bigger than God's plan, BUT he doesn't force himself upon us, especially if we don't know and acknowledge him as our Savior and Lord.

I am so thankful to serve a big God, who is with us always.

"Sometimes the Lord calms the storm, and other times He lets the storm rage and focuses on calming His child." Scott Krippayne


Brina said...

Hey! Just came across your blog and wanted to stop and tell you that your family is in our prayers. The loss of a child is tough, even if you've not yet held her, it is still a loss. And it is often hard to see God's plan for us or understand His timing, but His plan is always better than our own. :)

We are in the process of our second adoption now and adoption is so unpredictable. Rely on God, as you are, and He will bring you through!