Monday, July 12, 2010

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

I'm about 10 days out from leaving for Nicaragua for two months.  It's always about now that I begin to get emotional.  (And the first three times we went I was moving literally the week we left and/or came all of that emotional baggage was grossly magnified-but that's another story entirely).

I become emotional because I begin to wonder how it's going to be this time.  There's that old saying that you can't ever really go home again and that always makes me a little anxious.  Not necessarily anxious in a bad way, but I do become preoccupied with what I'm doing.  Ever since the first day LT Wonderful and I have felt that Nicaragua is our home-we've moved so many times since we got married and each place has a piece of our heart, but our hearts are firmly planted in the dusty Nicaraguan soil.  When we get off the plane and head to customs and immigration we feel peace in our hearts that permeates our entire beings...we feel home.  Our daughters live there.  Our sons' brothers live there.  In Matthew (6:21), Jesus says, "Your heart will be where your treasure is." (NCV). 

We treasure family.  Our family is there.  As Americans we treasure time and money.  We have poured both of these into the fertile soil in Veracruz, knowing that God is going to reap a bountiful harvest.  I'm not sharing this to boast in any way, but rather to reiterate that our hearts our there.  Our treasures are in Nicaragua and our hearts are there.  It's fitting that it feels like home.

But that brings me back to the nagging question...will I really be able to "go home" again?  Will it be like last time?  Will the kids be as happy to see me as I am to see them? 

When I start to feel this way I have to remind myself who these kids are: they are children who know how ugly the world can be.  They have experienced abuse, been abandoned or can't live with their families simply because of lack of resources.  The first time I realized this I was humbled and ashamed.  While I will always hope that they are happy to see me, I realize that one of the best gift I can give these kids is unselfish love.  I try my hardest not to expect anything from them because they don't need another person's expectations to carry.  They just need love...patient and kind, not jealous, proud, braggy, rude selfish or easily angered.  Always accepting, trusting, hoping and enduring.  Unending.  Unfailing.

I guess in that respect, I hope it's not like last time.  Lord willing, I can do better.  I can pour out more.   I can love with less expectation...through the power of the Holy Spirit I can demonstrate perfect love that casts out all fear. 

In 10 days I am going home again. 


Britney said...

Wow. you are amazing. i'm just in awe of you and how God is using you.

Cadovius said...

I'm with Britney. And I am excited about what the Lord is doing/is going to do through you and Mark. I am so happy that you get to "go home" and spend time where your treasure is. :-)