Sunday, October 31, 2010

What Faith Looks Like

I haven't brought up the adoption on here in quite a while.  It's not that anything has changed, or perhaps it's because nothing has changed that I've been silent.  We're playing a waiting game, and I don't have any new news to share.

Except that I'm getting scared.  Not scared about the adoption, just scared of what happens if it continues to drag out?  What happens if for some reason it doesn't go through?  What then?  We've experienced loss like  that before, and I never want to feel that way again.  But in some way, I already do.  We miss our girls.  We miss sharing experiences with them.  And in my mind (maybe this isn't reality, but it's how I feel) the stakes are so much higher than they were before.  Don't get me wrong, the stakes were high.  We were invested in Elliana's life and we miss her being a part of our family, but as a baby in the US, if she didn't end up in our family there was a family out there who wanted her.  In fact, there were waiting lists of families that wanted her.  Want her.  We were one of many, and I was fine with that because that is the path that God had brought us down.  But with our girls the situation is different.  They have a family and they aren't going to get to go back and live with them.  Their family, for whatever reason, is unwilling and/or unable to care for them.  Their family wants what is best for them, and they support the adoption.  We want what is best for them and are humbled to be afforded the opportunity to be their parents.

Everyone who should have a say supports this.  And yet we wait.

Don't get me wrong, I get it.  I know why there are background checks, notary checks, hundreds of documents, etc.  I just wish it could be faster.  Our girls are in limbo.  We are in limbo.  We want to be together.

And now that I'm in Korea; the farthest away from them I've ever been, I'm really starting to feel fear.  What happens if...

I know this is natural.  Adoption is loss.  And the girls are worth the pain.  They deserve to have people that love them so much and ache to have them close.  So I'm willing to go through it.  I just wish I knew when the waiting would be done.  I wish I knew for sure that the waiting will for sure be done someday. But there are no guarantees and I'm scared to hurt again.

I need a boost of faith.  Because faith drives out fear.  I believe God's brought us to this place and he's working in his time to get us there.  I just need to have faith and stop worrying so much.  And maybe I need to think more about the girls and less about myself.

In order to symbolically step out in fear, I'm casting on 61 stitches in Christmas Red on my size 6 knitting needles.  I've put off working on the girls stockings because if the adoption were to fall through I didn't want to have to face one more reminder at Christmas of our loss.  But I'm casting on in faith.  God will bring me through this.  I just need to have faith.  So, for the time being, knit one pearl one is my form of faith.

Because even if we lose everything, hope and love will always remain.


Britney said...

beautiful post. thanks for sharing your honesty.

Kara said...

The greatest of these is Love.

We're praying for you, all of you, and I'm designing my own leaps of faith for the girls. Still in the design stage, and behind a huge project back-log, but they're getting done.

We love you!