Thursday, June 9, 2011

Reclaiming myself

I never thought life would lead me here.

By here, I literally mean here, in my home at noon with my two boys eating lunch.  After they finish grazing they will go upstairs for nap/quiet time and I will get to spend two glorious hours by myself.

From junior high on, I always thought I would work full time outside of my home.  Being a housewife/mom never entered into my conscious thought.  I know it probably should have been in my mind, but I honestly never even thought about it.  I wasn't sure what my career would be but I was sure it would be exciting, satisfying and not in my house.

Fast forward from junior high to now.  I fell in love and married at 19, moved across the country and finished school in Virginia.  Two years later we found out that I was pregnant with Tate.  My beloved boy was born on the first day of classes of my last semester.  I graduated when he was 4 months old.  Then we moved across country again, back to the beautiful PNW.  And just like that, I went from being a full time student to a full time mom.

The ability to stay home with my boys has been wonderful, but the transition was much harder than I would have thought.  [I would say 'much harder than I anticipated' but I didn't anticipate it at all so I guess that doesn't really apply.]

Four years later and I think we're finally getting into a groove.  The boys are 4 and 2 and we can go places and do things without worrying about all the little baby things.  They are old enough to realize actions have consequences and we can even reason with them occasionally.  This truly is my favorite age yet!

But...[you knew it was coming] it is also the hardest age yet.  All of the mothering books I have read warn against losing yourself in your children and I never really thought it was an issue until now.  Between the two boys they have an opinion on everything...what music we listen to in the car, what books to read, what park to go to, etc.  They also want to control the conversation with their endless questions of, "Why?"  or my arch nemesis, "Well, what if it's not?"  If I go to the bathroom I have to lock the door otherwise I will be barged in upon.  However, when I do lock the door it's nearly impossible to pee in peace because they want to be with me.  They knock on the door and ask what I'm doing.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children.  I love being their mom.  But sometimes I really need a couple of hours when I can just be Jenni.  I can daydream, rediscover my hobbies, hold a conversation without being bombarded with a million questions and I can enjoy the quiet.  I can read a book or listen to whatever music I choose without making concessions.  I love this personal time.  I don't get it very often, but I really look forward to it whenever it does decide to come around.

And today, it's come around again.  LT Wonderful is taking the boys to Motorcross this afternoon, so I will have a few glorious hours all to myself.  I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with all this time, but I'll let you know how it ends up.  The best part is that tomorrow I'm sure I'll be recharged and ready to go again...I can only take so much peace and quiet!

If you had an afternoon all to yourself, what would you do?


Cadovius said...

hmmm....start a new book, sew, jog, lay out at the pool/beach, NAP....LOL I love you Jenni and I know EXACTLY how you feel! You and I are so much alike!